Archive for desire

House of pain

Posted in Beauty, Buddhism, death, Doom and Evil, Fighting, Happiness, Reality Bites, sex, Ultimate Reality, World of Emotions with tags , , , , , , on August 16, 2008 by wizardsmoke

I actually find the writing aspect of this whole “blog” thing to be monotonous and unsuccessful. No matter how fast I write, it’s never fast enough. Just like everything else, it in itself can’t actually satisfy me or communicate anything properly. I always want more, more, more! ‘Spose I’m just another human who wants to bite off more than he can chew. But maybe that’s the wrong phrasing, as even eating is such a dreadful bore!

Yeah, even eating occurs to me as another thing I just have to do which I’d rather not do (almost all the way up there with excreting waste). Like everything else, it seems really wonderful at first (consuming the food, when you’re hungry) but then becomes uninteresting, and even painful, as you continue doing it. How depressing that is! It reminds me that all things are like that: sex, violence, eating, excreting, using ‘n abusing, music, art, movies, vacations, work, friends, countries, money, blogs, sleep, reading, etcetera ad infinitum. They’re all satisfying, temporarily, only in contrast to these other things that also eventually become tiresome chores.

But surely we all know why all the things we do are unsatisfying. It’s because they’re all conditioned phenomena. They’re all doomed to die and fail. Isn’t death just total failure? Totally unimaginative (in)activity? Fortunately it makes life look sorta beautiful, because if animals just walked around and shat everywhere and ate food and fought amongst themselves for all eternity, this would be a purely hellish existence. At certain times, death is a blessing.

It seems like everything is manifestation of desire — of violence. That epic drive to soar: that’s violence. It’s in each and every one of us. Not that the desire itself is inherently bad, but typically we point our desire at a stupid target that doesn’t yield permanent results. And to get the results of your desire, you have to make sacrifices. Sacrificing good things to get a stupid desire (like a lousy spouse, a high-paying job, a higher position in the cult) is really just sad — IMHO, LOL!

The quest(ion) then, is this: can the “epic drive”, the fundamental “violent desire” that causes the universe to exist via some sort of sexual and explosive penetration — can this drive be used to cut the fabric itself? And if it can, what the hell was the point of creating the fabric in the first place? Probably no real reason, since everything that exists is arguing (aggressively) for its own existence. Just more explosive violence.

I think when you realize this conundrum, you understand the whole “samsara is actually nirvana” thing they always chant in describing the Buddha’s enlightenment.


Sex and Violins

Posted in Asceticism, Monasticism, Qi, Religion, sex, World of Emotions with tags , , , , , on July 7, 2008 by wizardsmoke

A while back, I grouped pornography in with generalized negative livelihoods. By many people’s standards, martial arts fits into this category. What makes martial artists so different from “sex artists”?

One might say porn stars are simply obsessed with sex and that this is dysfunctional because they relate to the world-at-large through their sexual experience. That they are experts on sex and perceive everything in contrast to this. Maybe they become desensitized to sex or it becomes a very casual event in one’s life. Like every indulgence, sexual activity can eventually become mundane, normal, or boring.

A lot of pacifists, hippies, Buddhists, Politically Correct people, religious folks, etc. might see martial artists in a similar light. To some, it may appear that violence becomes this normal participatory activity for a martial artist. You know, that violence becomes a casual activity or development that one exposes others to without realizing how inhibited or opposed to most people may be in relation to it. That’s an understandable concern, since a lot of martial artists are complete schlemiels and might get a romanticized perspective of violence and then act dangerously stupid.

The goal, I suppose, is a balanced perspective where one has total control over desires. I personally don’t have a penchant for excessive sexual activity or violence because I find it eventually blocks out everything in my peripheral perception. Especially the sexy time!

My guess is that Sexual Tantric Yoga, or whatever those high-level Indian and Tibetan yogis seem to practice, is sexual activity where one is peripherally aware of everything while still having sex, and sexual activity where one does not ejaculate (it strikes me as a misogynistic practice). But! I am still not convinced of this tantric sex stuff as a legitimate or necessary religious goal. A cool trick, sure, and occult weirdness, yes — but that’s because the deviant Satanic stuff is more about accumulating and indulging in desires and making those desires really powerful. Going blind with power, etc.

There are a couple of legitimate reasons it is unhealthy for people to be obsessed with sexual desire. The first is obviously the attachment to the flesh, an excess of which New Agers, metaphysicists, or Buddhists believe pulls a being/soul further down into the treacherous, deep, ghoulish, desire realms. A reasonable fear, but for materialists and naturalists and so forth, that’s a moot point, because everything is a concrete, empirical construction to them. An empiricist is like the kid who closes their eyes and thinks they’re invisible or that the world has disappeared. (Although I actually think “materialists” represent teenage awareness on the plane of human perception…)

The second reason is that, although sexual urges are very powerful, not all people are strong enough to fulfill them. Or not all people can simply give in to their urges, based on their character. For some it would be self-destructive to their personality. By focusing too much (as well as too little) on sex, some people can make themselves neurotic or overly aggressive or unproductive. I guess pop psychology likes to assert the importance of a healthy sex life. But… a healthy (sex) life doesn’t necessarily mean you have to have lots and lots of sex.

The third point, and maybe the most relevant to me, is that it damages one’s vital essence, or jing in Chinese medical terminology (excess ejaculation can also cause strain on certain organs, like the bladder). Since one’s jing determines the quality of one’s qi distribution and accumulation, draining or damaging it leaves one sluggish, forgetful and susceptible to outside forces or persuasions. This is why sexual manipulation has so much potential for power: as a man depletes himself of jing, his control wanes and he becomes obsessed and addicted to lustful urges.

Obviously this is a little dramatic, but it’s where the saying, “masturbate and you’ll go blind” comes from. I can’t imagine it was actually ever meant to mean a person would lose their sensory vision. But it’s pretty relevant today, with the prevalence of pornography and so forth. I’ve actually been warned by martial arts teachers not to view much pornography because it’s damaging to your psychological and emotional health.

No surprises here! Although religious precepts talk about sex, I kinda think that stuff is all folk wisdom from old men. You know? Religious guys weren’t horny teenagers, they were seasoned mystics! I think urges often have to dissipate of their own accord alongside “practice”. Ya can’t just cut off the sex drive or ignore it. After all, isn’t that what I said happened with my penchant for intoxicants?

But then again, all of our arguments and lines of reason are just our defilements arguing for their own existence. :*(

I <3 the Beast

Posted in Reality Bites, Relationships, Religion, sex, sex and violence, society with tags , , , , , , on March 25, 2008 by wizardsmoke

Why are parents so proud when their kid likes the same thing they do? Does it reinforce their egotism or does it fool them into thinking their loves are more righteous than those of others? Whenever my dad would catch me reading books as a kid, he’d say periodically that he was proud of me. He’d say that it was good that I was reading books. Okay, but why is reading or writing good? I ask in the ultimate sense. Because aren’t the things in life that we deem to be “good” just those things we happen to love? The things we think are good are the conclusions or experiences that we attach to for ourselves and as ourselves. It’s problematic though, because how much of what we experience and attach to actually has anything to do with free will? How much of it isn’t just emotional or samsaric brainwashing?

Another thing I thought about as a kid (this is turning out to be quite the autobiography!) was how society views its carnal passions and goals. You know, the crazy fact that everyone is not-so-secretly an animal in origin, but we like to think we’re more than animals. Men and women hang out together and act all formal, but then they go home later and behave like animals! Not that people should publicly do this, but every member of humanity is trapped upon the gradient of animal life to some degree. It’s not like the aggression of wall-street investors or business majors are much different from that of wolves and gangsters. They’re just wearing a different mask, playing by society’s rules and formalities, and appear more sophisticated. And maybe they are, since they fool (some of) us!

Surely I am not so base as to advocate that people just embrace their animal instincts, being violent or aggressive or giving into desires whenever they want. That would be kind of dumb because it would make us blind. That’s like, stuffing the eyes and ears and forgetting those senses exist.

And yet everyone does that! Seriously, our society profits off of this kind of thing! Funny how the message to the masses back in the day was, “shut up, do your work, don’t ask questions, don’t desire much” but now it’s “follow your nose to all the power, money and sex you can accumulate!”. The new ideal is stupid because it totally blinds people to everything but their own carnal drives.

At some point, society used to agree that power, money and sex were unwholesome life pursuits, but now that everyone in power loves those things and thinks they’re “good” and wants their kids to pursue them too (they want them to be just like Pops!). Ah, but I guess people have always done that, it’s just that at some points in prosperous nation’s timelines that the masses don’t publicly/openly venerate the concept of striving for power and sex. Uh-oh, now I’m making generalizations I’ve been known to criticize — talking about the existence of some ideal past civilization. Never happened!

Hence I am left to wonder: why do people get so emotionally attached to their animal drives, and why are we so afraid to give them up? The difference between humans and animals is that humans try to reason out some emotional or intellectual virtue (ha!) behind following these drives, and they thus believe they have some modicum of control over them too. But isn’t the only real control — real freedom — not giving into them? And how do we escape this conundrum of imprisonment?

Kids? An Accomplishment?!

Posted in karma, Mysticism, Occult, Relationships, sex, sex and violence, The Arts, Ultimate Reality with tags , , , , , , , , , on March 19, 2008 by wizardsmoke

Life is so weird. When people are perfectly content there’s nothing to talk about. Nothing to do. That’s stillness and enlightenment for ya. Like I’ve said here before, life seems fundamentally based on distractions. But what are we being distracted from? There’s nothing to do in the first place! Actually, when you stay in tranquility long enough, you start to forget that you’re living perfectly peacefully. It becomes boring, so you reach out and eat some junk food or read dirty magazines. And pretty quickly, those things become the focus of the day. They’re the driving factors. That’s how people end up with kids.

There’s something crazy. Kids! People have kids. That is nuts. Nowadays most wealthy people want a career set up first, but I don’t know if you’re supposed to have both. Of course, we don’t want old-money families to be the only rich people with kids. Then it would be like feudal times all over again! Aye carumba! So everybody juggles kids and a career and doesn’t really raise their kids. Blah blah, we all know this by now…

So everybody wants kids. I have a little theory I’ll share, just to be interesting. It might offend those of you emotionally clinging to your bodies. Of course, I feel for ya, ’cause we’re all there aren’t we? Anyway — I think a lot of people have kids because they haven’t any sincerely pursued creative/artistic achievements or accomplishments in their life. They haven’t created anything admirable that they can look back upon. That’s what Ikiru was about. Having a kid didn’t salvage the creative remorse.

Isn’t procreation a creative impulse? Haven’t all the philosophers talked about this, about the expansive sex drive of the artist? Even a monk or hermit is pushing a stronger desire than your typical socially-inclined bi-pedal human, except they’re just pushing it past their sexual desires.

People desire kids out of an attachment to the incompleteness that every single person feels because they’re human, because they have a fleshy form that appears physically separate from the bio-sphere. Not that I’m like, bashing procreation, that would be silly. But it is simply the fundamental artistic/creative impulse. A wild effort for purpose and meaning! That desperate and real shot in the dark!

Think about it – children come into being out of (creative) desire. People have desires, things that pull them away from stillness or “wu-wei”. Hishiryo (non-thinking) is disturbed by desires, whether they’re spontaneous or pre-meditated ones. That desire which creates a newborn child, it is not purely the parents’ desires. It comes into being as an agreement – a karmic act that the parents and future being share. In other words, it is karmic retribution in the lineage of a previous being, one which manifests via the desire of the parents in question. I say lineage of a previous being because rebirth is like that: it’s referring to a karmic lineage, more than it is to any consistent personified manifestation.

People do too many things in life which have serious karmic repercussions (reverberations) and so they echo beyond one lifetime. Most of us don’t have the insight or realization to see or stop those reverberations. So they manifest in the desires of other beings, who then share karmic relationships. Beings associated in rebirth are often connected by karma, not specific personalities or tangible space-time materials. Karma isn’t necessarily good or bad. It’s simply the rhythm of reality. Ha! I act like I’m the expert…

When beings can control rebirth, I think it’s generally because they perceive the various realms of energy and ideas that manifest in the mindstream. Thus, through shaped intention, beings take future births in according realms of the stream. So, more than there’s any one perfect heavenly existence, it’s more like there’s streams of reality that people begin to manifest through their long-term efforts.

The problem with attaching hope to this incompleteness of existence and interchanging procreative energy thru it, is that the beings that will spring out of ourselves are the results of our most subtle desires. In other words, the strength and quality of the desire at the time of procreation will determine the karmic agreement that brings the child into existence! And it isn’t that easy to make a conscious decision. I can’t be some sickly nerd with a drug problem who projects, “I desire an NBA star!” when I’m sleeping with my one-and-only! There’s more subtle stuff going on. If I’m lying to myself, it’s still going to count in the procreation. And the energy and genetic world I’ve reached toward with all my actions is going to manifest in my offspring.

Everybody idealizes their kids, though. Most people expect their kids to grow into certain traits and personalities that they never will. That’s why the best parents don’t set boundaries and limits on their kids. The best parents don’t necessarily have kids out of emotional insecurities or a weak sexual coil. You know? That whole quote from Zos, “weak sexual desire yields a sickly offspring”-type thing.

Real accomplishments are so weird. Just doing the smallest things that make a person feel good about themselves… it remains with them throughout the day, like it was a significant accomplishment. One can wake up early and do a bunch of errands or practice something they love to do, and the rest of the day feels so eventful. And nothing happened! You just woke up and did stuff. Crazy!