…And It’s All Happening

Some of my earliest vivid experiences are of moments of samadhi-like clarity. Basically, up until a certain age (until whenever my sex drive kicked in) I would periodically stare at one thing in front of me or in my environment and just repeat to myself that it was real. This is all real. This is really happening. This life, right here. It’s happening. Right now. Bam!

Seems like such an obvious thing to do, right? If I concentrated hard enough I’d come to grips with that idea as an experience and not a speculation. It’s still a pretty incredible phenomenon to me now. Only now I recognize that it’s a practice in itself. It wasn’t until years later, after I had been done being a dumb-ass teen that I recognized this was a basic form of meditation concentration practice. You know, focusing on the single object to reveal the whole awareness around you, living here in the present moment.

And it isn’t just some meditation practice that brings this about. This is just being alive for real, in the moment. Everyone experiences it every so often, it’s just a matter of getting so you’re “in the zone” all the time. Like a mean jazz legend playing an instrument, every moment is free but also segueing into the next.

But it isn’t just being “in the zone” as far as getting into a rhythm. It’s when you see the pinnacle of perception, when you see the eye of the cosmos in something finite. It’s perceiving the timeless essence of the orgasm, or the climax of a musical piece, or the impeccable sensations of a masterfully and lovingly prepared cuisine. This is reality. But unfortunately these are the only times most people see reality. Ahh… so that’s why everyone’s addicted to sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll!

People have said, that when you get enlightened, everybody is enlightened with you. I mean, how could it be otherwise? You’re not some separate individual at that point. Whether you are or not in the conventional social sense is not the issue; an enlightened being sees the very border between self and not-self and can freely go between the two without association. No definitive limits!

When I was younger, I was a bad student. I had no interest in schoolwork, had a dysfunctional family, was angry, frustrated, ad infinitum. My youth was like a great exploitative coming-of-age film script. But the thing that always jerked me around even in my intoxicated emotional state was the idea that this is all actually happening. I think that’s the thing that was so crazy about doing psychedelic drugs at one point. It snapped me right back into that samadhi-like clarity of when I was a little kid!

Of course, the problem was that I had all these emotional impulses and issues by this point, so the state of deep awareness was no longer peaceful or useful. I actually got attached to it! But I got pretty pumped up all over again the way I did as a kid. It’s all happening. So, gradually stopped doing drugs and started taking up meditative practices and became really interested in religious philosophy.

What’s so amusing is that to people using drugs, anyone who goes straight and sober and lives for a new, “natural high,” seems absolutely nutty! But really, who is the most nuts? What about people who aren’t taking any kind of drug? There aren’t many people like that around. So many people don’t fess up and take responsibility for their spirit. So many just give up, become an evangelical/fundamental religious peon or get involved in a cult. It’s pretty hurtful to see.

The happiest, most heart-warming stories and ideas, aren’t they so sad? At the bottom don’t you want to cry? It’s only natural, because once you wake up and realize we’re all alive and this is really happening it totally melts your heart. It destroys the fabric of emotional complexity and hatred and anger and so on. It’s just really distressing that people live in absolute ignorance and hurt themselves constantly or aren’t strong enough to destroy their problems and their demons. When life is most real is when someone dies, or when your heart is broken or when you’re so happy you just want to hug sharks and jellyfish and don’t care if you get punched in the face.

But what about me? How do I know I’m not just nuts? How do I know everyone doesn’t feel this way also? And so, life goes on. We all go about our business, feeling this or that way inside, and never share it explicitly. To open yourself up too much is to be fatally wounded. That’s why we aim to disappear completely. Nobody left to wound!

Scary business, those people who go all the way…

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2 Responses to “…And It’s All Happening”

  1. Maybe it’s a little odd, but the closest I’ve ever come to a samadhi-esque experience was one time when I was sparring, back in the days when I was a karateka. It didn’t even last a minute, but during that time I effortlessly obliterated the opponents who were normally quite difficult. It was “hardcore zen” in a different sense, I’d say.

    Come to think of it, that’s probably why I’ve switched over to the internal side–the technique of no technique seems like the only technique worth studying…know what I mean?

  2. wizardsmoke Says:

    Truth! It’s the only game in town, as they say.

    I don’t know if the internal arts are the only ones that get to the “no-mind” stage though. I’ve seen Tae Kwon Do guys no one could touch! I took up “internal” arts myself because in my Karate classes the guys with big muscles and builds naturally progressed much faster than me. Seems like any system that rewards stronger and bigger people is just more blatant chauvinistic power schemata.

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