Wild at Heart

I am a big fan of animals. I like them, maybe love them, even. So when people are causing harm to animals, my ticker goes off.

Don’t get me wrong — I’m not some crazed PETA fanatic who wants to make hemp out of human babies. But when people are hurting animals for no good reason in front of me, the ball drops and things get serious. I put on a superhero costume and take out the trash.

When an animal attacks you, can you even get angry? Does your anger come from your own pain or the outrage of the other’s poor decision making? The animal kingdom works largely by law of necessity and blunt emotions. It’s a favorite philosophy of nihilists and solipsists everywhere (I’m thinking of the director/pervert, Werner Herzog with his movie Grizzly Man), that nature is just as it is. Only a practical individual survives in nature, not an emotional one!

“All are gone, all but one. Nowhere left, nowhere to run. This is it, this is the countdown to extinction.”

-Megadeth, Countdown to Extinction

Once the animals all get zapped, we’ll have to change our hierarchical structure in society. The food chain will become gravely relevant among ethnic and social classes of humans. And not to mention the clones that’ll start springing up. I mean, damn – we’re going to make conscious decisions about which animals get to survive in society as clones? Not to mention the inevitable problems of human cloning, and the inevitable moral mess that will arise out of that. You think abortion is a scary political debate? Wait until homosapien clones start getting touted as the next big thing. The end of days, I tell you!

My reaction to human fights is a little different. Almost every fight I’ve been privy to witness was at a party, was occasionally egged on by a bloodthirsty crowd, and involved copious intoxication. Additionally, someone was usually not invited or didn’t know the host, and had far too much alcohol in their system. Not a reason to bleed, surely, but it doesn’t invoke the same level of outrage in me as animal abuse does, if only because people have some modicum of control over their reality. On some level you choose to be in that violent situation, unless you walk away and they follow you, or they jumped you and it’s a matter of do-or-die. Which is pretty rare, if you’re watching your back and minding your business.

I’ve also wizened up a bit over the years, so hear my gospel: if you end up at a party where there’s a fight, you ended up at a lousy party.


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